I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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