Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
