It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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