Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
