i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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