My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
