you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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