I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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