and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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