I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
