My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
