i think my tv is drunk
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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