Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
