Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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