On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
