She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
