shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
