Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
