true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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