There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
