Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
