We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
