I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
