Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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