I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
