I wish I only lived at night.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Houston, we have a squirter
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
