don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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