Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Im part way to drunk.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
