I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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