Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
