did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
