Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
