It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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