Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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