if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
