I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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