Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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