I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
