can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Randomize
