I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Plan B is the new Plan A
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Four minutes until I can fart!
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
