so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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