Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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