i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
