she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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