remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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