yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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