You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I need water and some morals
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