I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
