I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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