Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
