so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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